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The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now, by Meg Jay
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Our "thirty-is-the-new-twenty" culture tells us the twentysomething years don't matter. Some say they are a second adolescence. Others call them an emerging adulthood. Dr. Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist, argues that twentysomethings have been caught in a swirl of hype and misinformation, much of which has trivialized what is actually the most defining decade of adulthood.
Drawing from a decade of work with hundreds of twentysomething clients and students, THE DEFINING DECADE weaves the latest science of the twentysomething years with behind-closed-doors stories from twentysomethings themselves. The result is a provocative read that provides the tools necessary to make the most of your twenties, and shows us how work, relationships, personality, social networks, identity, and even the brain can change more during this decade than at any other time in adulthood-if we use the time wisely.
THE DEFINING DECADE is a smart, compassionate and constructive book about the years we cannot afford to miss.
- Sales Rank: #35766 in Books
- Published on: 2012-04-17
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.38" h x 1.13" w x 6.38" l, 1.01 pounds
- Binding: Hardcover
- 272 pages
Most helpful customer reviews
297 of 307 people found the following review helpful.
A 25 year old's Review: This is a Paradigm Shifting Book Anyone 17+ Should Read
By Peter Park
I read Dr. Meg Jay's NY Times piece on co-habituation (...) which lead me to ordering her book. I received it yesterday and read it in one sitting. So, I think it's pretty good.
As a twenty something, I would recommend this book to my friends and even those still in high school. Dr. Jay teaches lessons about how to ideally approach one's twenties and why it really matters. She interweaves research, stories, and counseling sessions with her patients to make a thought provoking but easy book to read. In many of those patients, I saw my friends or myself. There was the twenty something coffee barista still waiting for the right opportunity to come by. There was the beautiful and successful, girl chronically hooking up and never dating because she's still plagued with teenager, self-image problems. There was the bicycle shop guy wanting to be original and afraid of settling down. What they all have in common is this intense desire to know, "Am I going to make it? And what the hell should I be doing in my twenties? School was so easy, but life is so hard."
This book isn't a step by step guide. It won't go into how to systematically meet guys/girls, get over depression, or how to do well on an interview. There are plenty of books on getting into the details. Instead, this is a thought provoking book aimed against the popular twenty something zeitgeist today that, "we can do anything", "there's always time", and "I have until 30 to get my life together." Not to mention the million other stories we tell ourselves like, "I'm never going to get good at this", "It's better to wait rather than choose", or "Everyone on Facebook is doing better than me." In a sense, this book is like "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" to personal finance. They are paradigm shifting books that sweep away the false assumptions and beliefs we acquired from our childhood and culture and replace them with solid, real principles on how reality works. This book isn't going to do the heavy lifting for you, only you can do that. This book is the starting point to begin living one's twenties with drive, clarity, and purpose.
The book itself is divided into three sections: Work, Love, and The Brain and the Body.
Work talks about increasing your identity capital, the value of "weak ties", that you know what you want even though you think you don't, the unhelpful prevalence of Facebook comparisons, and seeing a career as the first step in a unique, customized life versus settling down.
Love goes into the importance of taking dating seriously in your 20s, compatibility with possible in-laws, how to make sure "living together" isn't harmful, and choosing the right partner.
The Brain and Body is sort of a misc. collection of pieces centered on how your brain, body, and mind works.
The Brain and Body section also covered a lot of neuroscience research I wasn't aware of. For example, your brain undergoes a radical period of reconfiguration in your 20s which means now is the best opportunity for learning skills. Or, the frontal cortex that controls a lot of our mature responses such as regulating emotions is still developing for most people in their 20s. Besides the physical brain, Dr. Jay also talks about the mind such as learning how to calm yourself down, how to develop confidence (rather than believing it's fixed), and that you can radically alter how you feel by changing parts of your life.
It also has a very frank chapter on fertility and that ladies don't have as much time as they think to have children. The final chapter before the epilogue talks about mapping your years to see how limited your time truly is. It seems common for many young people to talk about getting their career in order or going to graduate school eventually, getting married, and having kids but not all at the same time. Except, when you're 25 or 27 saying this, you're quickly running out of time.
It's hard to convey in a review how good the book is. This is the book I wish I could have written in ten years. Not just because of the advice, but because of the patient interviews. I found myself agreeing and sharing the same POV as the patient many times but through the counseling session, it was almost like I was sitting there and seeing my own assumptions fall apart and seeing the truth for what it really is. This book doesn't knock you over the head with what Dr. Jay thinks is right but begins from where you already are and lets you see for yourself the problems in your logic. Just as any good psychologist does.
This isn't your run of the mill advice book. There's a lot of popular myths and assumptions that this book dispels with cold, hard truth. I'm a self-help addict, and there was plenty of new information I never heard or thought of before.
The underlying message in all the stories and chapters is start living your life now. Take responsibility. Don't believe the lies that your twenties don't matter or that confidence is only innate. For most people, the late night parties, pointless jobs, and random hookups won't be what build your identity, what you care about or remember in the future. If anything, as Billy in the book says, you will probably feel betrayed that you wasted the best years of your life doing all the meaningless things that culture and others mislead you to believe most important. So, start preparing now because the investments (or lack thereof) that you do in your twenties will have the greatest impact in your career, marriage, and overall happiness. As she ends the book, "The future isn't written in the stars. There are no guarantees. So claim your adulthood. Be intentional. Get to work. Pick your family. Do the math. Make your own certainty. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You are deciding your life right now."
74 of 78 people found the following review helpful.
Roadmap to a happier life --must read for 20-somethings
By Joanna Daneman
After I read this, I was surprised no one had discussed making the most of the twenties decade before. With the job market slow for college grads, and a seeming extension of the teen years into the entire twenties decade, this book is a huge wake up call and an excellent roadmap out of youth and into what should be the most exciting time of your life. This book covers two basic and profound aspects of life; choosing a mate and having children and choosing a path that leads, step by step, to a career that is fulfilling and rewarding.
The author makes a point about dating: are you goofing around or really trying to sort out whom you want to spend time with? After all that is sorted out and you eventually find the right person, you could be a lot older and suffering from infertility. That's a great point; we spend a leisurely youth and then when we get serious, it may be difficult or impossible to conceive (I didn't get married seriously until I was forty, so I can totally support this advice. I have no children.) Here is a case for being serious about whom you choose and deciding to have children before the mid-thirties, when it starts getting a lot more problematical. (And you are at the peak of strength, less likely to be fatigued by the task.)
The second very important point of this book is that frittering time away in jobs that don't lead to a career will cause you to be "damaged and different." In other words, one really doesn't have the time to take any old job and the more time you spend on what you think you want to do for the majority of your work life, the better off you will be. According the author, the string of random, low paying and dull work can lead to depression and drinking. So finding what you love, whether it's taking internships or whatever it takes to get a foot in the door, is a good plan compared to goofing around thinking "there is time" because the gap for earning becomes unbridgeable if you wait too long to get onto your chosen path.
This is strong, and even possibly unpopular advice for a time when choices seem limited, actions seem to be disconnected from future consequences, and there is little direction for people in their twenties. Yet, the advice is good and can be the difference between a great, productive life and waking up at 39 and wondering why it all seems to have gone pear-shaped. If you are just finishing university, or if you have a college-aged child, I'd hand him or her a copy of this book and really discuss it with friends and family. Everything from partying to dating to working is covered here, not in a judgmental fashion but with careful thought, backed up by psychological references. This could be a defining moment, reading this book. I can tell you from watching the children of friends of mine, that choosing carefully in the twenties IS vital to happiness and choosing unwisely can lead to huge misfortune in your forties.
This book should be on everyone's list, from high school through college and it's about time someone wrote it.
128 of 153 people found the following review helpful.
Meg Jay's advice to 20-somethings: "Mountains Don't Care"
By A fellow with a keyboard
This book provides tough love that many of us 20-somethings need, which is best-summarized with the last sentences of the book:
"As I gathered up my maps and turned to go, I hesitated and asked the ranger, 'Am I going to make it?'
He looked at me and said, 'You haven't decided yet.'
He was telling me what this book has been all about. The future isn't written in the stars. There are no guarantees. So claim your adulthood. Be intentional. Get to work. Pick your family. Do the math. Make your own certainty. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do.
You are deciding your life right now."
Reading this book, you get the sense that Meg Jay was gritting her teeth as she wrote it. She does her best to be sympathetic to the 20-something psyche, writing with all the delicacy she can muster, but you can still sense an underlying current of, "COME ON, PEOPLE, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!" That's good. We need that. We've been coddled for too long.
If you are thinking of working at a coffee shop because that seems non-corporate, or going backpacking in Europe in order to "find yourself," or putting off marriage or children until you've finished grad school, then Meg Jay is talking to you, and you should listen.
But there's one thing about this book that I found troubling: It has a rather Me-Against-the-World sentiment. In the epilogue, Meg Jay writes about her favorite sign, one posted at Rocky Mountain National Park that says MOUNTAINS DON'T CARE, meant to encourage preparedness against an uncaring wilderness. She views the world as out-to-get-you unless you are tenacious and strategic and forward-thinking. You've got to acquire all the resources you can as quickly as you can to ensure your safety before the world GETS YOU.
She even views marriages and families this way, as resources, something to be acquired for safety's sake. She even suggests that we be "ambitious" in picking a good partner, and she advocates having classes and guidance counselors to help us pick a spouse much as we have them to pick a career.
This book would have been more convincing if instead of emphasizing the importance of accruing-resources-before-it's-too-late, it emphasized that certain things are too important to be treated as "resources."
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